"That's ok momma...you can tell Peter Rabbit Maddie can have the Rapunzel dress!"
My sweet girl has had 2 things on her mind...
1. Rapunzel dress (from Target)
2. Rapunzel hair (from Target)
We spotted these a few days ago and she asked if she could have them. For those of you that don't know my sweet Love...she never asks for anything. We can walk down every aisle in a toy store and she never whines, cries...expects anything.
Actually, I have only heard those words one other time...it was THE PURPLE DRESS and I bought it on the spot. So, when she asked, I told her "maybe Peter Rabbit will bring it to you for Easter!"
She has been relentless...
she remembered there was only ONE dress and ONE Rapunzel hair left on the shelf.
So, when she asked AGAIN tonight when Peter Rabbit was coming (and since I know I haven't made my way back to Target and just in case it is not there) I responded...
we'll just have to wait and see, maybe Peter Rabbit has another surprise in store for you (daddy really wants to buy her a new bike that she rides every time we hit up REI)!
She did NOT like this response.
"But mommy, there was only one and what if Maddie gets it first!"
(Maddie is her best friend next door)
I explain to her that it will be OK if Maddie gets the Repunzel "gear" and she doesn't because sometimes in life we just don't get everything we want.
(I know...I am that mom!)
She crosses her arms and stomps out of the room...
Suddenly...she re-enters with her Cinderella dress and the sweetest smile you've ever seen and says:
"That's ok momma if Peter Rabbit wants to give the Rapunzel dress to Maddie. Tell him she lives over there and he can just walk along the sidewalk and sneak it in her house. That's OK momma! I love Maddie and I can wear my Cinderella dress and she can wear her Rapunzel dress!"
She then races downstairs and I can hear her telling daddy...
that's OK dada if the Rabbit gives the dress to Maddie!
So now...
the question is...
do I get the Rapunzel dress and hair or do we go for the bike?
You know I want to get the dress and hair, but maybe this is a good lesson that we don't get everything we want...sometimes when you are kind you get an even better reward
...and then surprise her with the BIKE???
Momma just don't know, I think I'm gonna leave this in Peter Rabbit's hands!
This week did not go as planned. My hope was to give you an update of EVERYTHING that has been going on with our Little Lover.
Life with him has been busy.
Instead I will share with you just one week.
A week that did not go as planned.
Last Monday, he was scheduled to have his adenoids removed with a possible tonsillectomy. Why possible? His doctor explained that his tonsil were larger than normal, but from what he could currently see he was not sure if it was "necessary" for them to come out now. Naturally I asked...if we know they are already larger than normal, why would we not go ahead and remove them to eliminate a later surgery, anaesthesia, etc.
Because of his age. He responded...if he were 3 or 4, I would remove them without hesitation. But, this is a hard surgery for a 19 month old. Usually they stay in the hospital due to dehydration because they do not want to swallow, possible bleeding, yada yada yada.
OK...so on Monday we went in for a definite adenoid removal, maybe tonsils.
He was the definition of a Little Lover the morning we took him in.
Great spirits, flirted with the nurses, etc.
The doctor came to us within 30 minutes after they wheeled him back and explained surgery had went well, they did have to remove his tonsil, as they were much larger than he had anticipated. They scale the size from 1-4, 4 being a total blockage. He measured a 3.5.
So, we had already prepared for a night in the hospital "just in case" and within 30 minutes we were in his room, set up. That day went really well and we were sure to be released the next morning.
The night however, did not go quite as planned. As he slept, I could hear the fluid building up. I spoke to the nurse and asked if he should be suctioned and her explanation was...this is expected and we don't want to suction him due to how sore he already is from the surgery.
As I lay beside him, lets just say it quickly became an emotional roller coaster for me.
It was "that" same sound.
The sound I heard a short month ago when my mom's body was failing her and fluid sat in the back of her throat.
I spoke to the nurse again and shortly there after his O2 sats dropped into the mid 80's. They started oxygen around 4am. As I sat in his bed, in order to reposition the oxygen as he moved through sleep I read. Thank GOD for technology. I started looking up versus on my iphone and finally rested on this verse.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5
Because I lacked understanding.
Have we not been through enough already?
Is it not enough that we are in this room...does the sounds coming from my sweet boy HAVE to so closely resemble the memories of my mom I am trying to forget?
Is it JUST not enough?
I call Chris at about 5am and inform him I am not getting a good feeling. He is going to get ready, run by work, cancel a meeting, inform his boss of the situation and meet me at the hospital.
I call my sister at 7am and tell her I am not getting a good feeling, explain the situation. She tells me...TRUST your instinct, you know that baby better than anyone.
Shift change occurs and a new nurse comes to introduce herself.
She hears him and decided she wanted to change his oxygen mask...she felt he needed "moist" oxygen.
She leaves and his heart rate drops from 160 bpm to 40 bpm. Another nurse enters the room, who was watching the monitors and sits him up his heart rate quickly returns to 160. She listens but can't hear his heart rate over all the fluids. They decided to put heart leads on him for a more accurate account of what his happening. She leaves.
I snap two pictures on my phone. One of the monitors and one of my boy...and send them to Missy.
His heart rate drops again to 40.
His nurse rushes in. She calls two other nurses on that floor. They arrive. Then she calls the emergency response team. The room is quickly flooded.
A friend asked me if I left the room.
Hell NO!
I watched...I stayed in his line of vision...
they suctioned an extreme amount of fluid out of him,
an extreme amount of meds were flooding into his system...
at this point he was limp...
plans to intubate him...
I was insanely calm.
I repeated over and over...
I. Trust. You.....I. Trust. You...I. Trust. You...
and then my little Lover turned into my little fighter!
He perked up...started pulling monitors off of him...
I remember the nurse who was put in charge of restraining him kept saying...
keep fighting me...good, keep fighting me...
Daddy walks in.
After 45 minutes, they now feel he is stable enough to transfer to the ICU.
Two days in the ICU and one night in the step down unit later...
we are home!
What did I learn?
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.
You see...
my lack of understanding during that long night led me to where I needed to be for the following day...
A gentle reminder.
Trust Him.
So, what happened? Is this normal?
The doctors explained it is not the norm, but they have seen it before.
Usually in kids that REALLY needed the surgery. Basically, his body had been compensating for the blockage and working harder to get the needed air through his system. So, when they removed the blockage his body did not compensate and kept "pulling" with the same force. This action was pulling fluid from his soft tissue into his lungs and on top of him not swallowing due to it being uncomfortable, the fluid had no where to go.
So...you would think all that would be enough.
Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 1 Peter 5:8-9
It wasn't.
Be sober-minded; be watchful.
We tried. We saw it coming.
We...being my husband and I.
We tried to prevent it.
We were specific -upfront.
It was communicated that our wishes were understood.
Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
I believe he found an opportunity.
He found a situation that has been a consistent struggle.
And he devoured.
He used the chaos to slither in.
If you are sensible, you will control your temper. When someone wrongs you, it is a great virtue to ignore it. Proverbs 19:11
This verse was lost on me.
I can not begin to describe my level of anger.
I tried to walk away...I couldn't and in my heart I believed I shouldn't.
Eventually...enough is enough.
I heard a sermon on forgiveness a long time ago...shortly after our first experience down this long road.
At the time, it was a sermon I needed and through the years one I have continually referenced.
He commands us to forgive...not to forget.
I remember the first time I heard it...I was so relieved.
I had been trying so hard to forget and found it to be humanly impossible.
Why does he not require us to forget?
The reasoning is simple...if someone wrongs you, God does not expect you to put yourself in the same situation over and over for it to repeat itself.
Forgive them...learn to love from a distance.
Where are we now...
I can only speak for myself.
I am choosing to love from a distance.
I am going to step out and pray the God steps in.
I came across this statement a while back and while I can't remember where it came from here it is:
"Good morning, this is your Father. I will be taking care of all your problems today, and I will be working all things together for good. I will not need your help. So, have a nice day."
I am the Lord, the God of all flesh; is there anything too hard for Me? Jeremiah 32:27 AMP
Last night, after waking our little lover to give him some pain medication he quickly became still and rested on my chest. I was enjoying him and then quickly he gave me a little reassurance.
He started climbing up my chest,
puckers those lips and gives me the sweetest kiss you could ever imagine.
He slowly scoots back down, finds his restful spot and falls back to sleep.
I can't control the tears.
I am so thankful we are home and so aware of how serious the past week has been.
The next few months will come with big decisions concerning our little guy
and what his life will look like.
It was a simple...I. Trust. You. that he (and He) knew I needed!
But you should continue following the teachings you learned. You know they are true, because you trust those who taught you. Since you were a child you have known the Holy Scriptures which are able to make you wise. And that wisdom leads to salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.
There are moments in my day where my world just stands still.
It hits me hard, but it is silent.
When it leaves I am not sure whether to be grateful for the relief or long once more for the silence.
I just miss her...
Streams in the Dessert L.B. Cowman
March 11
Yesterday you experienced a great sorrow, and now your home seems empty. Your first impulse is to give up and to sit down in despair amid your dashed hopes. Yet you must defy that temptation, for you are at the front line of the battle, and the crisis is at hand. Faltering even one moment would put God's interest at risk. Other lives will be harmed by your hesitation, and His work will suffer if you simply fold your hands. You must not linger at this point, even to indulge your grief.
We never completely recover from our greatest griefs and are never exactly the same after having passed through them. Yet sorrow that is endured in the right spirit impacts our growth favorably and brings us a greater sense of compassion for others. "The joy set before" (Heb. 12:2) us should shine on our griefs just as the sun shines through the clouds, making them radiant.
...if we will turn from the gloom and remain faithful to the calling of God, the light will shine again and we will grow STRONGER. J.R Miller
I have steered many conversations, ignored many phone calls, and put off encounters...
I am not sure how to respond.
I guess...I know I'm just not in the "right spirit".
I'll get there.
I just need to know in my heart that I am not putting "His interests at risk" because of my sadness.
So for now...
I am going to be a mom and a wife.
Something I know that kept that sweet smile on her face!
Chris and I have been on the receiving end of this love and I will share with you...
it's overwhelming...
especially for two people who are not good at asking for help!
Ri gets her..."I can do it myself" very honest!
Our friends, Amy and Josh, watched our babies on Friday night so me and Chris could get a "mental break!"
We also went home with a dinner prepared by Josh's parents.
Amy shared that they just wanted to do something for us...
They know how much Amy and Josh love our family...
and who their kids love...they love!
I know...a true testament of God's love!
I also received a devotional book from Liz's daughter-in-law with a similar message...
I have been praying for you and your family and thought this would be a comfort in your time of need!
That night I opened the book to the devotional for that day.
February 1
This is my doing. 1 Kings 12:24
In lieu of sharing the entire devotional, I will just share with you what pierced my heart.
My child, I have a message for you today. Let me whisper it in your ear so any storm clouds that may arise will shine with glory, and the rough places you may have to walk will be made smooth. It is only four words, but let them sink into your inner being, and use them as a pillow to rest your weary head.
"This is my doing."
You did not come to this place by accident--you are exactly where I meant for you to be.
Have you not asked Me to make you humble? Then see that I have placed you in the perfect school where this lesson is taught. Your circumstances and the people around you are only being used to accomplish My will.
Are you experiencing time of sorrow? "This is my doing." I am a "man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering" (Isa. 53:3) I have allowed your earthly comforters to fail you, so that by turning to Me you may receive "eternal encouragement and good hope" (2Thess. 2:16)
Today I place a cup of holy oil in your hands. Use it freely, My child. Anoint with it every new circumstance, every word that hurts you, every interruption that makes you impatient, and every weakness you have.
The pain will leave as you learn to see Me in all things.
-------------------------------
I will tell you...
I am learning a lot about who I am during this season of life...
but better yet, who I want to be.
I have learned that my relationship with God is different, but more substantial.
Maybe I will share more on this later...maybe not...
but regardless, this is His plan.
Chris and I discussed over our date...
and have come to realize...
that we have little control over circumstances!
So, if we are out of control...
we are so lucky He is in control!
